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Josh Hawley Runs Toward Danger!
Uvalde Sheriff Follows Right Behind Josh Hawley!
Planet Earth to Humanity: I’ll Miss You When You’re Gone
You are up to date on what isn’t happening. And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 1, 2022
Note: Don’t forget that today is random drug-testing day in C&J. If you test negative, you’ll be escorted to the exit by security. And since security is currently high as a kite, we’d appreciate it if you’d help them find the exit. Thank you. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the midterm elections: 99
Days ’til Illinois‘ Cobden Peach Festival on Appleknocker Drive: 3
Wage growth for private sector workers in the second quarter, up from 5% in the second quarter last year: 5.7%
Minimum number of points by which Senator Mark Kelly (D-AZ) is leading his potential MAGA cult opponents in the latest Beacon Research polling: +10
Record profits made by Exxon Mobil and Chevron, respectively, during the time that gas prices went through the roof during the 2nd quarter: $17.85 billion / $11.62 billion
Percent chance that MAGA cultist senators Ted Cruz and Steve Daines fist-bumped each other after voting against a bill to expand health care for veterans affected by toxic burn pits while on active duty: 100%
Number of Trader Joe’s employees in Hadley, Massachusetts who voted to approve the first union in the 530-store chain: 81
Puppy Pic of the Day: Yes. Yes it does…
CHEERS to August. The dog days. The month everybody, not just Congress, should be allowed to take off. The month everyone wears out their whites because they know Labor Day’s just around the corner. The 13th is the high Republican holiday known as “Blame Someone Else Day” and the next 31 days will also see National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, Watermelon Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Mustard Day, Potatoe Day (I prefer the Dan Quayle spelling), Cherry Popsicle Day and Trail Mix Day, to be followed on September 1st with “Honey, Where Did We Put The Treadmill?” Day.
Ukraine will continue outwitting Russia’s army of children and old men. And If we all hold our breath and clap loudly enough, we might see passage of the Inflation Reduction Act of 2022, and maybe even the codification of same-sex and interracial marriage into law.
Loni Anderson and I (but, sadly, not fellow Leo Neil Armstrong, except in spirit) blow out our birthday candles Friday, a day after Barack Obama turns a still-youthful 61. Of course, it’s also the month during which you never want to introduce a bogus war based on lies to the public, but you definitely do want to illegally restore a defeated former president to power upon orders from a former coke addict who now stuffs pillows with metal shavings and dryer lint for a living. Cosmically speaking, on the 11th you’ll see a full moon, and the Perseid meteors will shower between the 11th and the 13th, so keep that cast-iron skillet strapped to your head just in case. And, as always, humanity will continue destroying the planet at a record pace in pursuit of money, power, and whiz-bang consumer goods. Oh, for the good old days when August used to be boring.
CHEERS to a quiet weekend. Sure, there was war, pestilence, inflation, wildfires, and sea levels rising so fast that the Miami City Council approved a motion to rename itself Atlantis. But more important, Senator Joe Manchin, co-sponsor of the Schumer-Manchin Inflation Reduction Act of 2022(aka Build Back Better Lite), appeared on all five major Sunday morning talking-head shows, and the good news is he didn’t do takesie-backsies. But as for the elephant in the room, he wasn’t exactly brimming with confidence:
Meet the Press: Despite the agreement, the bill’s future is still uncertain, in part because of questions over Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s (D-Ariz.) support. “I would like to think she would be favorable towards it, but I respect her decision. She’ll make her own decision based on the contents,” Manchin said.
This Week: Sen. Joe Manchin said he was hopeful fellow Democratic Sen. Kyrsten Sinema will come on board with a deficit reduction, climate and energy bill he negotiated.
Face the Nation: Manchin said he has not lobbied Sinema to support the legislation, but noted she has spearheaded individual parts of the package, such as the proposal to allow Medicare to negotiate drug prices.
Fox News Sunday: “I’m just going to fight like the dickens to make sure this piece of legislation gives us relief and fights inflation and is great for America.”
To get this bill over the finish line with Sinema’s support, it’s going to require an appeal to her highest intellect. Tossing in a nationwide discount on bling and jean vests oughtta do the trick.
CHEERS to a little help from our friends. On July 31, 1777 (gosh, it seems like just 245 years ago yesterday), the Marquis de Lafayette was made a major-general in the American Continental Army. He said that, even though we had to “go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time,” the British Army, now located in “Yorktown and Philadelphia and east, west, south and north somewhat,” was “in the last throes of the insurgency, if you will” because we had “turned a corner,” and promised that after we won the War of Independence—based on a sensible “time horizon”—we’d be “greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers.” Crazy French. Where do they come up with this stuff?
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to great inventions. 135 years ago this week, in 1887, Chester A. Hodge of Beloit, Wisconsin received a patent for barbed wire. Or as Vladimir Putin calls it: gift wrap.
CHEERS to being ahead of the curve. So how’s your state doing on its climate change goals? If you live in a red one, our condolences. If you live in a blue one, you’re probably doing okay. But if you live in the Great State of Maine, you’re A SHINING BEACON OF HOPE FOR THE SOMEWHAT-GREAT NATION IN WHICH WE LIVE. Here, read all about it in The Maine Department of Environmental Protection Ninth Biennial Report on Progress Toward Greenhouse Gas Reduction Goals. Or, to make it easier to remember, TMDOEPNBROPTGGRG for short:
As of 2019, gross GHG emissions in Maine were 25 percent lower than 1990 levels. This surpasses the State’s medium-term goal of reducing gross GHG emissions to 10 percent less than 1990 levels by January 1, 2020.
[T]he report indicates Maine is well-positioned to meet its goal of carbon neutrality by 2045, which was recently added to state law.
Maine is approximately 75 percent of the way toward carbon neutrality, which means 75 percent of gross GHG emissions are offset by sequestration in the environment. … Annual CO2 emissions from fossil fuel combustion in the electric power sector have decreased by 91 percent since they peaked in 2002 largely by replacing high carbon fuels with lower carbon energy sources, primarily natural gas and renewable sources.
So if you’re in Maine and marauding gangs of environmentalists in flannel shirts and L.L. bean boots start shouting at you from across the street, “We got lower GHG emissions relative to 1990 levels, yes we do! We got lower GHG emissions relative to 1990 levels, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?!!” you’ll know why.
Ten years ago in C&J: August 1, 2012
CHEERS to making a big splash. Hey, USA, guess what? The world record holder of the most Olympic medals is no longer a [P’too!] Russian. As of today it’s an athlete who eats, drinks and farts red, white and blue, baby. Michael Phelps. Aqua Man. 19 medals. #1. Made in America. He clinched it in the 4 x 200 something something something relay. So, yeah, that happened. Suck it, world.
And just one more…
CHEERS to remembering that time when the Republicans were awesome!!! Yup—eight years ago this week the House Intelligence Committee released the findings of their Benghazi investigation. And just like Trey Gowdy’s “select committee” sideshow, what they found was a whole lotta nothin’…
…there was no deliberate wrongdoing by the Obama administration in the 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans, said Rep. Mike Thompson of St. Helena, the second-ranking Democrat on the committee.
The panel voted Thursday to declassify the report, the result of two years of investigation by the committee. U.S. intelligence agencies will have to approve making the report public. Thompson said the report” confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given.”
As Joan McCarter noted at the time, Trey Gowdy swore on a stack of Brylcreem that his committee’s investigation—quoting here—”would be an objective search for facts, not a partisan attempt to smear Democrats ahead of the 2014 mid-term elections and the 2016 presidential race.” And since his lips were moving at the time, naturally he was lying. If they weren’t so busy with their current January 6th investigation, I’d suggest that House Democrats demand a select committee investigation into the select committee’s investigation, and conduct it at an appropriate venue: under a circus tent.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
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