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“This is a huge pro-choice victory. And it’s especially amazing that it happened in Kansas, a state so red that Trump won it by 14 points. And this is where you realize that the anti-abortion views of right-wing lawmakers and some people on the Supreme Court don’t mirror what actual Americans want. And that’s a huge problem in this country. It’s like letting the craziest dude in your friend group plan your bachelor party. You’re gonna be like, ‘I just wanted to play Beer Pong. How did we end up in a Bangkok prison?’“
“The Chinese government is at Defcon-Pissedoff over Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Taiwan. When Pelosi got there, one of the first things she did was vowed to preserve democracy in Taiwan. Hell, yes—Americans will always, always fight to preserve democracy in Taiwan. Will we preserve democracy in America? No spoilers, please.”
“It was just reported that the Pentagon deleted all January 6th-related text messages from the phones of key Trump defense officials. When she heard, Hillary Clinton was like, ‘Well, well, well…‘ I actually don’t think Trump had anything to do with this. If he was involved, they wouldn’t have been wiped, they would’ve been flushed.”
Friends. Tonite I am sad. Tucker Carlson believes me too short to date…and yet somehow, miraculously, I remain tall enough to not know what Victor Orban’s ass tastes like! Is it goulash, Tucky? Seems like it would be goulash.
—Jon Stewart, responding on Twitter to Carlson’s Thursday night on-air insults, during which he criticized Stewart’s advocacy for passage of the veterans health care-related PACT Act.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 5, 2022
Note: If you need a penny take a penny. If you have a penny, put it back and quit taking our pennies.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til International Cat Day: 3
Days ’til the 24th annual Elephant Garlic Festival in North Plains, Oregon: 7
Number of consecutive months during which job creation in the services sector has increased: 26
Number of Republican senators, including Mitt Romney, who refused to vote in favor of additional support for veterans affected by burn pits: 11
Age of legendary “Voice of the Dodgers” broadcaster Vin Scully when he died Tuesday: 94
Length of Scully’s broadcasting career: 67 years
Date on which Pumpkin Spice Oreos are hitting store shelves after a 5-year hiatus: 8/15/22
Puppy Pic of the Day: When memes come to life…
CHEERS to the new kids on the team. Look up and to your left, Vladimir. See that? It’s your newest nightmare: pissed-off Scandinavians who—little-known fact here—love nothing more than feasting on the tasty, vodka-soaked blubber of Russian generals. And thanks to a suddenly not-calcified U.S. Senate, that nightmare is closer than ever because they…
…delivered overwhelming bipartisan approval to NATO membership for Finland and Sweden Wednesday, calling expansion of the Western defensive bloc a “slam-dunk” for U.S. national security and a day of reckoning for Russian President Vladimir Putin over his invasion of Ukraine.
Wednesday’s 95-1 vote—for the candidacy of two Western European nations that, until Russia‘s war against Ukraine, had long avoided military alliances—took a crucial step toward expansion of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization and its 73-year-old pact of mutual defense among the United States and democratic allies in Europe.
Finland adds nearly a million citizens considered “fit for military service” to NATO’s ranks, while Sweden adds around three million. Plus ABBA. Vlad, you fool. You messed with ABBA. (We hear the dancing queen carries a bazooka.)
JEERS to implausible deniability. Lest we forget, this was the week that President Joseph R. Biden Jr. wiped the smirk off al Qaeda’s face when he delivered an exploding candygram to Osama bin Laden’s BFF and successor John Jacob Jingleheimer al Zawahri smack-dab in the middle of the Taliban empire, which now finds itself having to explain WTF he was doing there. And right on cue, the mighty rulers of the rocky wasteland are stumped…stumped, I tell you:
“The government and the leadership weren’t aware of what is being claimed, nor any trace there,” Suhail Shaheen, the head of the [Taliban’s] political office in Doha, Qatar, told the Associated Press.
In a separate statement, Taliban spokesman Zabihullah Mujahid also insisted that the group was not aware that al-Zawahiri was living in a house in Kabul. “We didn’t have any information about his arrival and living in the house,” Mujahid said.
By the way, the house in which Al Zawahri was killed was a “safe house.” Or as it’s now known: a “not safe enough house.”
CHEERS to the thrill of victory. On August 5, 1923, Henry Sullivan became the first American to swim across the English Channel. According to witnesses, the feat occurred moments after someone offered him a plate of haggis.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to stupid white men. Let this be a cautionary tale on how independent investigations can be abused for partisan gain, as opposed to straight-down-the-middle like the Jan. 6 investigation is. Twenty-eight years ago today, on August 5, 1994, Kenneth Starr, solicitor general under President George H.W. Bush and Republican hatchet man, was named as independent prosecutor investigating Whitewater. His final report said virtually nothing about that non-scandal. But it did mention the word…
…over 500 times. Even Larry Flynt was like, “Whoa. Kenny. Dude. Get some help.”
CHEERS to home vegetation. I have some serious DVR tube-age to catch up on this weekend: Judge Judy, Judge Cristina, Judge Jerry, People’s Court, Divorce Court, Hot Bench, all the Star Treks—oh, the work of a political scholar is never done.
What else is on? Well, besides Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew parsing the Friday news dumps, Matt Damon and water expert Gary White talk with Margaret Hoover about the global water crisis on PBS’s Firing Line. If you’re looking for the latest home video and streaming options, you can check ’em out at Rotten Tomatoes. Sports: the MLB schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here.
On 60 Minutes: reports on how an island nation went into decline and training accidents involving military vehicles, and a profile of blind competitive skier Jacob Smith. And there’s a new edition of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Sunday at 11. Other than that, slim pickins.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Face the Nation: House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Gregory Meeks (D-NY); San Francisco Federal Reserve Bank President Mary Daly; Rep. Peter Meijer (R-MI); Sen. Rick Sssssssscott (The Cult-FL); former FDA guy Dr. Scott Gottlieb.
CNN’s State of the Union: Rep. Colin Allred (D-TX); former Obama and Biden staffers Ashley Allison.
This Week: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Mike Rounds (The Cult-SD); NASA administrator Sen. Bill Nelson; former NM governor Bill Richardson.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Ben Cardin (D-MD); Nikki Haley (whoever she is anymore).
Ten years ago in C&J: August 5, 2012
CHEERS to sticking the landing. It’s not everyday you get to shout, “Mars, bitches!” and mean it literally. Or, as Brian Williams said it last night: “It’s nice to hear the world cheering NASA again.” Damn right. How cool to see NASA scientists and engineers erupt in rational exuberance yesterday morning after learning the Mars rover Curiosity touched down on the Red Planet safe and sound. The first photos have already come back. So far they reveal dust, rocks, and another Mitt Romney tax shelter.
And just one more…
CHEERS to my August 5 birthday posse. Neil Armstrong. Lizz Winstead. Director John Huston. Loni Anderson. Maureen “Marcia Marcia Marcia!” McCormick. Patrick Ewing. The Elephant Man. Bruce Horak (Lt. Hemmer on Strange New Worlds, I just found out, and how cool is that). Kossacks “Simple,” “dmb0857,” “stlsophos” and “LeoDaLion.” And if I may propose a mind puzzle: Barack Obama was born at 7:30pm Hawaii time on August 4th, which would make it 1:30am August 5th eastern time…so I say he and I validly share the same birthday and he gets to join our posse, too.
Usual routine for us today: we swarmed Denny’s for our birthday discount (58% for me, so I ordered a Bacon Slam, a Sausage Slam, a Ham Slam, a French Slam, A Wham Bam Thank You Slam, a Slam Slam combining all the Slams, a Lipitor chaser, and a Diet Rite Cola), and then spent the day stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. And since then the poor were then rich and the rich became poor, we did the whole thing over again in reverse.
Right now we’re soaking our feet during Jeopardy! before we head back out to play a few rounds of “Shut up, you kids, or we’re calling the cops!” So, basically, just an ordinary day ending in y—but with cake. (And, this year, a catapult. Thanks again, Santa.)
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?